Despite the fact that Bay employs his usual technique of having characters shout descriptions of what is happening on the screen (sample dialogue: “Oh my God, look at that, it’s a big alien ship!”), the plot is a car crash of impenetrable stupidity. This story hitches a lift on Arthurian legend and chucks in some Dan Brown-style ancient artefact peril, before descending into the usual bludgeoning effects-laden climax. Mark Wahlberg returns as autobot wrangler Cade Yaeger; new additions to the cast include Anthony Hopkins (eccentric aristo with a ninja robot butler) and Laura Haddock, playing Vivian Wembley, an Oxford history professor. Perhaps you need to be huffing petrol fumes (or whatever it is that the autobots run on) but 149 minutes have rarely felt so interminable.
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